Thursday, December 18, 2014

When?

This story starts with a lot of whining so please keep going through it to the end.. I promise there is a good light through it all!

This past month about 500 friends (obvious over exaggeration) have announced they are pregnant. To be honest I am super excited for them. I love to see growing families. I love to see my friends getting to have big healthy amazing families. But I would lie if there isn't something deep down inside... I believe it's called jealousy... that rears its ugly head when I see/hear it. My normal self is jumping for joy for my friends and family... My annoying self is feeling so sorry for ME....

Well about 2 weeks ago things hit an all time low I would say. It all started with small group that Monday. I held my friend's newborn baby. I watched my husband interact with their son. Just admiring how awesome and loving he is toward all kids. Watching my own son koo and kiss and "pet" this little baby I was holding. I looked at my family and how perfect that all felt... and thought... Why? Why does all this love we have to offer not get to be used. (Poor me...)

That weekend we traveled to NE for our annual cookie bake. On our way home yet another friend announced they were expecting. A friend I have talked on many occasions about their struggle to get pregnant. I have prayed for her and her family countless hours and days that they may find success. THEY DID!!! How amazing.... I was overjoyed for them... and then quickly feelt sorry for myself. Again... why? Why are our prayers not being answered?

That Sunday I led a study on God's love... and in church we sat and sang and talked about God's love... and it took every ounce of strength to not cry out... WHERE? Where is God's love? I feel no love. I feel SOOOOO alone in this. I feel as though he has left me out to dry. I pray and give and pray and give and trust... When do we feel the love? When do we get that? For one of the first times in my life I was mad at God. Mad that we had persevered for 3 years through all of this... only to have 2-3 more years left in our adoption process. I was mad that God would place such a yearning on my heart... and then not deliver. I was mad. I was frustrated. I was feeling so very alone. I cried a LOT that night. So much so I think THE MAN may have been worried I was going to shrivel up like a raisin. :)

The next day I woke up. Still heavy laden. Still completely exhausted from all the hurt, frustration, anger, and pitty for myself I had laid out the night before. Went to workout, school.... normal day stuff. I got into bed that night and opened up my devotion and this is what I read:

Psalm 62:1-2
God, the one and only-
I'll wait as long as he says.
Everything I need comes from him,
so why not?
He's solid rock under my feet,
breathing room for my soul,
An impregnable castle:
I'm set for life.



To me, this was God's way of speaking directly to me. Everything I had cried out to Him the night before was covered and delivered to me right there in His own words. I closed my Bible (after reading it to THE MAN) and said a short prayer of thanks to God for always bringing me back to reality. Always reminding me of His presence here in my life. I still have NO idea why, when, how, where.... All I do know is that I can put my trust in the One who has been faithful and will continue to be a faithful leader in my life. I'm blessed with what I do have, and look forward to the child that will bless our family when the time comes. My eyes looking to Him for strength and guidance.... May you do the same in your struggles and pain. :)

Amen